


The Phwoaring List

by Basmathgirl



Series: The Phwoaring Series [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:54:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basmathgirl/pseuds/Basmathgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donna put together a list for the Doctor, just in case. The fact he instantly looked for loopholes is another matter. This is a companion piece to <b>The Phwoaring Friend</b>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Phwoaring List

**Author's Note:**

> There are references here to a sex relationship that is alive, well, and a little bit kinky.

The Doctor carefully read the document in his hand, taking great care to absorb the information. He had been warned, you see. Why? Well, they were going to visit Donna’s mum for the first time since they’d become… sexually active, for want of a better phrase; and Donna was adamant that neither Sylvia nor Wilf was to find out. When he had questioned this wisdom, she had pointed out that Sylvia had an axe in the porch in case of burglars; what would she have ready for the man that had taken her daughter’s virtue?!

 

Okay, he had snickered at the thought of taking Donna’s virtue because she had technically taken his; but that would have been splitting hairs. The point was, you do not tell your parent(s) if you are having pre-marital sex. It all seemed a bit daft to him!

 

There had been so many conditions quickly fired at him that he had felt duty bound to get every single one of them written down. It would also give him room to manoeuver should he want to try a particular thing out, or defend himself against should it then go wrong. There was no harm in being prepared, he told himself. With that in mind, the following document had come into being; as something a bit like a wedding vow but to do with sexual conduct outside the TARDIS. She had made that perfectly plain; sexual conduct within the TARDIS was a whole different matter! Oh yes! Full of shrieking, growling, howling and anything else that took his fancy that she’d tolerate. Everything was apparently open to discussion. He beamed happily as he thought about that!

**RULES OF CONDUCT WHILST AT THE MOTT/NOBLE HOUSE**

1\. No kissing in front of Sylvia

2\. No kissing in front of Wilf

3\. No kissing in front of any of their friends or neighbours, before you think of that one, Sunshine!

4\. No fondling ~~my~~ Donna’s body parts in front of anybody

5\. No fondling ~~your~~ my own body parts outside the TARDIS; and particularly in front of anybody!

6\. Do not mention blow jobs, at all!

7\. Avoid the subject of sex to be on the safe side

8\. Do not provoke Donna to get angry, because her getting angry leads to further complications!

9\. Just don’t get her angry, at all; right!

10\. If you make her angry accidentally do not then expect to get a sexual favour… well, not until we are safely back in the TARDIS, behind closed doors.

11\. Don’t mention this (the later sexual favour) to Mum or Gramps

12\. Do not deliberately eat anything sexily, i.e. ice cream cones, ice lollies, custard…

13\. If you eat something sexily by accident do not then point out ~~my~~ her flush and use it to blackmail ~~me~~ Donna into performing a sex act immediately

14\. Just don’t use it as sexual blackmail; okay?!

15\. While we’re talking about sexy behaviour, keep eye brow waggles to a minimum

16\. Do not sit close enough that you might as well be sitting on ~~my~~ Donna’s lap

17\. No forcing Donna to sit on ~~your~~ my lap!

18\. No enticing Donna to sit on ~~your~~ my lap, under any circumstances, not even if there are not enough chairs for everyone!

19\. Do not expect Donna to automatically sit next to you, on you, behind you, or anywhere in close proximity

20\. ~~You~~ I can cope if this happens!! The world will NOT end!

21\. Try looking at someone else in the room for a change

22\. Do not stare

23\. Do not glare

24\. ~~Do not hug a teddy bear~~ That was a joke!

25\. If Donna complains of any chest pain and/or uncomfortableness, do not offer to be her bra

26\. And certainly don’t leap up and carry out the action before an answer can be given!

27\. Make that applicable to any suggestion of ~~yours~~ mine; ask FIRST!!

28\. People do not talk about their favourite sexual positions in public, so don’t ask

29\. And don’t wave a book, like, say, The Kama Sutra, in their face as a visual aid when you ask about their favourite sexual position.

30\. Don’t tell people about your favourite sexual position, they don’t like it and nor does Donna! (Not meaning the sex…but the talk! Have you got that, Martian?!)

31\. Don’t bring up menstrual cycles, again! Just don’t! It’s a taboo subject.

32\. “If you do, I may have to kill you and blame it on PMT! I’m sure I could get my conviction squashed.”

33\. Panting heavily when Donna bends over is inappropriate in company

34\. Mum and Gramps come under the classification of “company”

35\. Keep trousers on and done up at all times in front of company

36\. Check that trousers are on and done up before leaving the bathroom

37\. Salivating over Donna’s neck is not appropriate in front of company

38\. Salivating over Donna’s neck is not always appropriate when not in company; so be warned!

39\. “I didn’t know” will never be your Get Out Of Jail Free card, so stop saying it

40\. Smiling helps, but don’t overdo it

41\. Posteriors are for sitting on, not showing off! It doesn’t matter who they belong to!

42\. Cucumbers are NOT funny!

43\. Nor are cherries.

44\. Do not play the ‘introduce a duck into the conversation’ game

45\. The right term to use when describing Donna in your my life is “friend”, and NOT “shag bunny”

46\. And NO, Sylvia would not appreciate the joke if you I did

47\. Remember, we are not a couple

48\. Remember, Donna is not my woman

49\. ~~Remember, brush my teeth at night…~~ (?)

50\. Buy Donna chocolate at regular intervals

51\. Take Donna shopping once in a while too

52\. If you offend Donna you WILL live to regret it; just before she kills you!!

53\. If you behave yourself you WILL be rewarded later on…. You know it makes sense!

 

As he finished reading he put on his clean underpants; essential items in case of accidents, Donna had insisted, though he had no intention whatsoever of going to a hospital even if such an unlikely event were to happen. Still, Donna had just provided an unforgettable experience prior to this, hoping he wouldn’t be sniffing around her for sexual favours once he was at Sylvia’s. He checked the list again: nope! He hadn’t agreed to that one! Silly Donna! She really should learn to cover everything first. He had every intention of making the most of this loophole…


End file.
